Vayishlach – Wounds

We tell stories about our lives. With repetition over time, they become more than stories. They become The Story Of Our Life. They may be true, partially true or completely inaccurate. But they take hold and they matter.

I hope the story I have been telling since age 25 is true. Because The Story Of My Life is that I have been seeking to acknowledge all my pain, loss and weakness on this premise: the more I face that pain and accept the lows, the higher my highs would be. That the more I am honest about myself, faults and all, the more I can find true peace and happiness. It’s a trade-off to live on these extremes, because the lows can get very low, but it feels worth it to me.

Jacob’s wrestling match is my touchstone. When I first read this story—and every time since—I get a shock of amazement, wonder and joy. This story is why I am a Jew: why I have chosen to stay a Jew after searching for many years for my spiritual home. This story goes to the heart of My Story.

Jacob has done things he regrets. He lied to his brother and to his father. I have done things I regret. I let my mother use me as an emotional dumping ground for her complaints about my father. I let my father emotionally batter everyone in the family, including me. In my mid-twenties, I was emotionally numb to much of my own life. I had shut out the pain, and thus also shut out the joy.

Jacob has a wrestling match with a man. It seems to me he is dreaming a dream that portrays the struggle going on inside of him. He knows he has made mistakes, and he is wrestling with the knowledge that he could have done better and that he can be a different person. I started my own wrestling match with therapy sessions while I was still in college. I knew that something was not right. I was not living out my beliefs; I was not even sure what I believed. I had never really acknowledged or suffered through the traumas of my life: my mother’s cancer, my parent’s difficulties, my grandmother’s heavy and toxic presence in our lives (long story for another day). I had pushed all this aside, but now I slowly began to battle my demons.

Jacob is wounded. His thigh is injured. I am wounded. We are all wounded. I try not to spend much time around people who do not acknowledge this. It is exhausting to watch them find myriad ways to hold off reality.

Jacob becomes Yisrael—Wrestler with God.

I remember a day when I was about 30 years old and still struggling with myself. I walked into a forest. I ended up in a large, sloped area with two paths leading up to a summit. I sat at the bottom, and started talking to each path as though each were a parent. I cried, I yelled, I sat in silence. After a time, I remember finding that I was instead talking to God. I did not consider myself religious at that time. I learned that day that I could wrestle with God. When I read the story of Jacob a few years later, I was stunned, moved, changed.

Jacob goes to his brother with true remorse, and finds forgiveness and wholeness. Esau is ready to move on. Jacob seems a changed man from this point forward. He acts with strength and with purpose.

I hope to do the same in my time on this earth.