“At seventeen years of age, Joseph tended the flocks with his brothers....and Joseph brought bad reports of them to their father.” (Gen 37:2-3)
In this parsha, Joseph is the exact age of my eldest child - 17. My daughter is on the brink of beginning her adult life. She is a senior in high school and has just been accepted into three Big Ten universities. She knows in a few short months she will be leaving home for the first time to begin a new chapter in her life. As her mother, this is an emotional, bittersweet time for me. Bitter because my first child will be leaving home, but sweet because I am excited for my daughter to experience university life and pursue her own dreams. But I will admit, there is another reason my daughter’s college acceptances are sweet. It is a validation that as a parent I have done something right. For literally 18 years (even before she was born), I have planned, plotted, pushed and prepared for my daughter to go to college. I remember commiserating with a fellow parent in the PRE-SCHOOL parking lot at the Westside JCC in Los Angeles about the cost of college tuition and the steps one needs to take to make sure their child gets into a “good” university. I remember many tedious nights of encouraging my struggling child through her challenging homework. Encouraging her to do her best. That it would pay off in the long run. And fortunately it has.
So that brings me to Jacob, Joseph’s father, and his questionable parenting style. When you have children, a parent has basic goals - to protect your child, to love your child, and to help guide your child into adulthood through support, nurturing, education and the teaching of morals and values. Every parent wants their child to learn the necessary skills (both academic and social) to be successful in life. Yet at every turn it seems Jacob has failed Parenting 101. He shows blatant favoritism towards Joseph, giving him an ornamented tunic that breeds jealousy among Joseph’s brothers. He encourages Joseph to spy on his siblings (Gen 37:2-3), pretty much guaranteeing the wrath of the brothers. Jacob does not teach his son the finer points of diplomacy. Instead of teaching Joseph to communicate his prophetic dreams in a way that is sensitive to others, Jacob publicly chastises his son who doesn’t understand what he did wrong. And finally, Jacob actually endangers Joseph by sending him on a long journey to observe and report on his brothers, completely oblivious that there is much animosity and jealousy brewing among the siblings.
I struggle to understand how Jacob’s parental skills could be so lacking. He himself knows what it feels like when you’re not the favored child (Isaac clearly preferred Esau) and has experienced the wrath of brotherly anger and jealousy - the repercussions of which impacted his life for decades. Like the rest of us, I’m sure Jacob started out with the best of intentions in raising Joseph. And raising a prophetic son, I imagine, could be a challenge. But the problem lies not with a dreaming boy, but with a father who has apparently fallen short raising his ten other sons as well. If you have ten children that you believe can’t be trusted (to the point where you need to send your teenager to spy on them), then I think it’s safe to say some parenting intervention might be needed. Didn’t Jacob raise his boys better than that?
There is more to raising a child than just clothing, feeding and providing shelter. A good parent will nurture that child, engage and challenge them, help them learn from their mistakes, guide them, listen to them. Nobody is the perfect parent all of the time. Heaven knows I’m not! But maybe we can use this parsha as a cautionary tale. A fancy coat is nice and all, but it only looks good externally. Perhaps the lesson is to focus on nurturing our children spiritually. Once they have a solid moral and spiritual foundation, then our children will have the chance to grow into the adults we always dreamed they would be.
In this parsha, Joseph is the exact age of my eldest child - 17. My daughter is on the brink of beginning her adult life. She is a senior in high school and has just been accepted into three Big Ten universities. She knows in a few short months she will be leaving home for the first time to begin a new chapter in her life. As her mother, this is an emotional, bittersweet time for me. Bitter because my first child will be leaving home, but sweet because I am excited for my daughter to experience university life and pursue her own dreams. But I will admit, there is another reason my daughter’s college acceptances are sweet. It is a validation that as a parent I have done something right. For literally 18 years (even before she was born), I have planned, plotted, pushed and prepared for my daughter to go to college. I remember commiserating with a fellow parent in the PRE-SCHOOL parking lot at the Westside JCC in Los Angeles about the cost of college tuition and the steps one needs to take to make sure their child gets into a “good” university. I remember many tedious nights of encouraging my struggling child through her challenging homework. Encouraging her to do her best. That it would pay off in the long run. And fortunately it has.
So that brings me to Jacob, Joseph’s father, and his questionable parenting style. When you have children, a parent has basic goals - to protect your child, to love your child, and to help guide your child into adulthood through support, nurturing, education and the teaching of morals and values. Every parent wants their child to learn the necessary skills (both academic and social) to be successful in life. Yet at every turn it seems Jacob has failed Parenting 101. He shows blatant favoritism towards Joseph, giving him an ornamented tunic that breeds jealousy among Joseph’s brothers. He encourages Joseph to spy on his siblings (Gen 37:2-3), pretty much guaranteeing the wrath of the brothers. Jacob does not teach his son the finer points of diplomacy. Instead of teaching Joseph to communicate his prophetic dreams in a way that is sensitive to others, Jacob publicly chastises his son who doesn’t understand what he did wrong. And finally, Jacob actually endangers Joseph by sending him on a long journey to observe and report on his brothers, completely oblivious that there is much animosity and jealousy brewing among the siblings.
I struggle to understand how Jacob’s parental skills could be so lacking. He himself knows what it feels like when you’re not the favored child (Isaac clearly preferred Esau) and has experienced the wrath of brotherly anger and jealousy - the repercussions of which impacted his life for decades. Like the rest of us, I’m sure Jacob started out with the best of intentions in raising Joseph. And raising a prophetic son, I imagine, could be a challenge. But the problem lies not with a dreaming boy, but with a father who has apparently fallen short raising his ten other sons as well. If you have ten children that you believe can’t be trusted (to the point where you need to send your teenager to spy on them), then I think it’s safe to say some parenting intervention might be needed. Didn’t Jacob raise his boys better than that?
There is more to raising a child than just clothing, feeding and providing shelter. A good parent will nurture that child, engage and challenge them, help them learn from their mistakes, guide them, listen to them. Nobody is the perfect parent all of the time. Heaven knows I’m not! But maybe we can use this parsha as a cautionary tale. A fancy coat is nice and all, but it only looks good externally. Perhaps the lesson is to focus on nurturing our children spiritually. Once they have a solid moral and spiritual foundation, then our children will have the chance to grow into the adults we always dreamed they would be.
Nicely said. I had not thought about how poorly this all reflects on Jacob as a parent, but you are right on target.
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