VA-YIGGASH-Hidden Identities

Va-Yiggash continues with the theme of hidden identities introduced last week in Mi-Ketz. Joseph, knowing his brothers do not recognize him, keeps his identity hidden in order to test whether they have amended their ways. After revealing himself, Joseph instructs his brothers when they are introduced to Pharaoh to claim, “Your servants have been breeders of livestock from the start until now, both we and our fathers...” (Gen. 46:34) Why does Joseph want his brothers to hide their true occupations? Because Joseph knows “...all shepherds are abhorrent to Egyptians” (Gen. 46:34) . Joseph clearly wants his brothers to misrepresent themselves to gain favor in the eyes of Pharaoh and his fellow Egyptians. The brothers ignore Joseph’s request and tell Pharaoh, “We your servants are shepherds, as were also our fathers.” (Gen, 47:3)

This parsha makes me wonder if it is permissible at times to, not necessarily misrepresent yourself, but perhaps omit a truth about yourself? Having just recently completed our Hannukkah holiday that coincided with Christmas this year, I find this parsha quite timely. It seems the entire month of December, everywhere I went, I was bid “Merry Christmas”. My standard, non-committal response was, “You too”. Long ago I had given up the, “Thank you, but I celebrate Hanukkah” response because it never seemed to accomplish anything except make the bearer of good greetings feel awkward and somewhat embarrassed. Now I choose instead to focus on the intent of the greeting - which is to simply wish me a happy holiday. I understand the “Merry Christmas” greeting was not intended to force Christianity upon me, attempt to convert me or to marginalize Hanukkah. It is simply a well intended (albeit presumptuous) greeting of well wishes at a certain time of year.

Do I feel like I am hiding my true identity when I do not proclaim that I celebrate Hanukkah instead? No. When a person’s intent is genuinely innocent, then I am secure in my Judaism and do not feel like I have to wear my religion as a badge or have the need to shout it loudly from the rooftops. Our tradition actually allows for this. “Jewish law and customs legitimates adjusting our behavior ‘for the sake of ways of peace’ (mi-p’nei darkhei shalom), furthering good relations with those around us by avoiding giving offense to their values and sensibilities” (Etz Hayim Torah and Commentary). I am a proud Jew, embracing my traditions and beliefs, and always willing to express my Judaism openly. But when I am greeted with “Merry Christmas”, I choose not to dampen someone else’s joy by pointing out they have been mistaken. Besides, it makes hearing the words “Happy Hanukkah” all the more special during our holiday!!!

Vayigash -- Surpise and No Surprise

Random thoughts on this week’s parsha. Surprises and no surprises.

Surprise … I was surprised when God did something nice at Genesis 46:2. God has often acted like a petulant child up to now. This week, he comes to Jacob in a “night vision” to reassure Jacob about going to Egypt. Nice move, God!

P.S. to surprise … God’s visits up until now were described as “God appeared” or “God spoke,” but this time we are told (URJ Modern Commentary) that God came to Jacob in a “night vision.” That would be a dream, right? That’s what I thought that all God’s other visits to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob were anyway, so I like this very much! I take this (reading much too much into it, but it’s fine because it supports my view :) ) to mean that all God’s “visits” in the Torah are really dreams.

No surprise … it is no surprise that Joseph continues to re-enact the pain that he feels (see my commentary from last week). He has not worked through his hurt about the way his brother’s treated him (or his own feelings about the way he treated them), so he continues to perpetuate the family pain. This week, he verges on cruelty in the way that he makes his brothers beg and scrape and grovel before he finally admits the truth about who he is. And then at Genesis 45:22, he send the brothers to go fetch Dad, but he gives Benjamin the best stuff for the trip. Like father, like son! Let the family dysfunction continue for another generation!

Final thought … very disappointing to hear Jacob talking to Pharaoh at Genesis 47:7-10. “Cool,” I think to myself, “Our patriarch Jacob/Israel is going to speak to the leader of Egypt. Something profound will be said; something amazing will happen!” But no, Jacob just bitches that he has had a shit life and whines that he has not lived as long as his dad and granddad.

Bummer. Our patriarch Jacob is a grumpy old man.

MI-KETZ--Hanukkah Connections

My desire this week was to write about Joseph and his assimilation into Egyptian culture, but I find myself short on time this Hanukkah season. However, I found the following midrashic commentary on parsha Mi-Ketz interesting and wanted to share:

"This parashah is almost always read during the week of Hanukkah. Although that is only a coincidence of the calendar, we can find the thematic connections. Just as Hanukkah celebrates the victory of the weak over the powerful, the parashah begins with Pharaoh's dream of the lean cows conquering the well-fed ones. As the parashah begins with Joseph in prison and ends with Joseph as ruler, the story of Hanukkah begins with Israel oppressed and ends with Israel triumphant and independent." (Etz Hayim Torah and Commentary)

HAPPY HANUKKAH!

Mikkets – Remember to Forget to Remember

In Genesis 41:51, Joseph names his first son Manasseh, meaning “God has made me forget completely my hardship and my parental home.” He names his second son Ephraim, meaning “God has made me fertile in the land of my affliction.”

I like to look for ultimate truths. Call me a philosopher. I think I’m spotting an “ultimate truth” here about human nature and the way the world works. Once again, the Torah authors had uncanny insight into how we humans operate.

Joseph says he wants to forget his home. Then he names his children so that he can’t possibly forget his home. Every time he sees his children or thinks about his children, he will be reminded of his home! It’s like telling someone not to think about a pink elephant. Try this at home and see what happens.

I have seen this idea before: we may talk about avoiding our pain or transcending our pain, but what we in fact often do is keep recreating our pain.

The relationship “experts” sometimes say that we attract people into our lives who help us work through past hurts, often with our parents. A woman with a domineering father, by this theory, will find a domineering husband to recreate and work through the feelings she had as a child, but was unable to process at that time.

Why do we keep recreating our pain? Because we are not done with it. We still have more to learn.

When we have learned what there is to learn from the pain, then we move on. If Joseph had no connection to Israel at all, if he had truly put his past behind him, he never would have given his children those names.

As the story continues, Joseph continues to recreate his pain. When his brothers appear, does he simply run up and hug them and weep? No, he does not. He recreates the past. In the past, Joseph himself put distance between himself and his brothers by lording him dreams of grandeur over them, and his brothers created distance by shuffling Joseph off to Egypt in response! Now, in Egypt, Joseph cannot overcome all this distance in a moment. He needs time, to work through his feelings. He re-creates the past distance between him and his brothers by delaying in telling them the truth, by stalling them off with various contrivances.

The most poignant moment in the parsha comes when Joseph has to leave the room to weep after he sees his beloved brother Benjamin. It is then we know that Joseph is healing, and peace will come to this family.

Not much to say

I don't have much to say about this portion except that it's ironic. Mom will probably bring up that ironic is used wrong. (Is it?) I don't have much else to say.

Sorry about not being on here every week. I promise I'll write next week.

VA-YEISHEV--Parenting 101

“At seventeen years of age, Joseph tended the flocks with his brothers....and Joseph brought bad reports of them to their father.” (Gen 37:2-3)

In this parsha, Joseph is the exact age of my eldest child - 17. My daughter is on the brink of beginning her adult life. She is a senior in high school and has just been accepted into three Big Ten universities. She knows in a few short months she will be leaving home for the first time to begin a new chapter in her life. As her mother, this is an emotional, bittersweet time for me. Bitter because my first child will be leaving home, but sweet because I am excited for my daughter to experience university life and pursue her own dreams. But I will admit, there is another reason my daughter’s college acceptances are sweet. It is a validation that as a parent I have done something right. For literally 18 years (even before she was born), I have planned, plotted, pushed and prepared for my daughter to go to college. I remember commiserating with a fellow parent in the PRE-SCHOOL parking lot at the Westside JCC in Los Angeles about the cost of college tuition and the steps one needs to take to make sure their child gets into a “good” university. I remember many tedious nights of encouraging my struggling child through her challenging homework. Encouraging her to do her best. That it would pay off in the long run. And fortunately it has.

So that brings me to Jacob, Joseph’s father, and his questionable parenting style. When you have children, a parent has basic goals - to protect your child, to love your child, and to help guide your child into adulthood through support, nurturing, education and the teaching of morals and values. Every parent wants their child to learn the necessary skills (both academic and social) to be successful in life. Yet at every turn it seems Jacob has failed Parenting 101. He shows blatant favoritism towards Joseph, giving him an ornamented tunic that breeds jealousy among Joseph’s brothers. He encourages Joseph to spy on his siblings (Gen 37:2-3), pretty much guaranteeing the wrath of the brothers. Jacob does not teach his son the finer points of diplomacy. Instead of teaching Joseph to communicate his prophetic dreams in a way that is sensitive to others, Jacob publicly chastises his son who doesn’t understand what he did wrong. And finally, Jacob actually endangers Joseph by sending him on a long journey to observe and report on his brothers, completely oblivious that there is much animosity and jealousy brewing among the siblings.

I struggle to understand how Jacob’s parental skills could be so lacking. He himself knows what it feels like when you’re not the favored child (Isaac clearly preferred Esau) and has experienced the wrath of brotherly anger and jealousy - the repercussions of which impacted his life for decades. Like the rest of us, I’m sure Jacob started out with the best of intentions in raising Joseph. And raising a prophetic son, I imagine, could be a challenge. But the problem lies not with a dreaming boy, but with a father who has apparently fallen short raising his ten other sons as well. If you have ten children that you believe can’t be trusted (to the point where you need to send your teenager to spy on them), then I think it’s safe to say some parenting intervention might be needed. Didn’t Jacob raise his boys better than that?

There is more to raising a child than just clothing, feeding and providing shelter. A good parent will nurture that child, engage and challenge them, help them learn from their mistakes, guide them, listen to them. Nobody is the perfect parent all of the time. Heaven knows I’m not! But maybe we can use this parsha as a cautionary tale. A fancy coat is nice and all, but it only looks good externally. Perhaps the lesson is to focus on nurturing our children spiritually. Once they have a solid moral and spiritual foundation, then our children will have the chance to grow into the adults we always dreamed they would be.

VaYeshev – Changing Partners, Doe-See-Doe

We have seen the “oops-I-had-sex-with-the-wrong-person” motif several times before, and now we get it again with Judah and Tamar (Genesis 38).

I am very Perplexed by this motif’s recurrence, and I do not believe that Maimonedes famed “Guide for the Perplexed” covers this Particular Perplexity.

Thus, I offer my own ‘Top Ten’ Guide for the Perplexed, answering the question: Why do Biblical characters constantly have sex with the wrong person?:

1. They were very promiscuous and needed a cover story.

2. They wore a special eye covering during sex.

3. They only had sex in total darkness and without speaking at all.

4. These stories are a metaphor for the confusing nature of life

5. They had very, very poor eyesight.

6. These stories are a metaphor for how alone we are in this world, even at our most intimate moment.

7. They were very bad at remembering names and faces.

8. These stories were written by their children, who can never picture their parents having sex.

9. They had too much sand in their eyes.

10.They only had sex in the missionary position.

:)

VA-YISHLAH--A Blessing Demanded

Parsha Va-Yishlah is chock full of symbolism and meaning that has been studied for centuries. Far greater minds than mine have analyzed this story, reflecting on its symbolism and meaning. Therefore I “wrestled” with my desire to write about the mysterious assailant that Jacob encounters on the eve of meeting his brother, Esau. What could I possibly add to the insightful rabbinic interpretations of our heritage? But “struggle” as I may, I’ll give it a try.

OK, I’m done with the cheesy puns now. You’re safe to read ahead….

On the eve of meeting Esau and his band of approaching 400 men, Jacob encounters a “stranger” with whom he wrestles until the break of dawn. After Jacob prevails and the stranger asks to be let go, Jacob demands a blessing from him. Initially, I found this demand so strange. Isn’t beating your assailant in a full on, throw-down fight enough? Why do you need a blessing? Especially when it’s coming from an enemy you’ve just battled with and who has physically harmed you!

Like many, I interpret the wrestling scene as Jacob’s inner struggle within himself. He struggles to confront his fears and suppress his urge to repeat old patterns and run away when he is faced with the threat of Esau. After a fitful night of inner turmoil, Jacob overcomes his “human tendency to avoid an unpleasant encounter” and instead acknowledges “the divine impulse in him (that) urges him to do the difficult but right thing” (Etz Chayim: Torah and Commentary). So what’s the deal with demanding a blessing from your enemy? How heartfelt would that blessing be?

Perhaps Jacob has a desperate need for a blessing that is a “marker”. As humans, we mark the milestones in our lives with ceremonies to announce that we are now somehow different: birthdays indicate we are a year older, graduations declare we have gained a certain amount of knowledge over time, a wedding announces we are no longer just a son or daughter, but now a husband or a wife. These milestone “markers” indicate we have changed. After the inner struggle Jacob has fought and won, he needs a marker to prove to himself (and the world) that he is somehow different. That he is no longer that weak, deceptive son of Isaac. That he has changed for the better. And what better way to prove you have changed than with the blessing of a new name and identity?

For most of us, we will fall short of being the best person we can be. Like Jacob, we will struggle to do what is right. We will endure times of difficulty and maybe make a few poor choices along the way. But when we prevail and overcome our shortcomings, we usually don’t get a name change or a new identity to prove we have changed. Many times all we get is a sense of inner peace knowing we have done the right thing and become a better version of ourselves. In truth, attaining that sense of inner peace is a blessing. And after striving so hard to be a better person, it’s a blessing we yearn for - and sometimes actually demand… just like Jacob.

Vayishlach – Wounds

We tell stories about our lives. With repetition over time, they become more than stories. They become The Story Of Our Life. They may be true, partially true or completely inaccurate. But they take hold and they matter.

I hope the story I have been telling since age 25 is true. Because The Story Of My Life is that I have been seeking to acknowledge all my pain, loss and weakness on this premise: the more I face that pain and accept the lows, the higher my highs would be. That the more I am honest about myself, faults and all, the more I can find true peace and happiness. It’s a trade-off to live on these extremes, because the lows can get very low, but it feels worth it to me.

Jacob’s wrestling match is my touchstone. When I first read this story—and every time since—I get a shock of amazement, wonder and joy. This story is why I am a Jew: why I have chosen to stay a Jew after searching for many years for my spiritual home. This story goes to the heart of My Story.

Jacob has done things he regrets. He lied to his brother and to his father. I have done things I regret. I let my mother use me as an emotional dumping ground for her complaints about my father. I let my father emotionally batter everyone in the family, including me. In my mid-twenties, I was emotionally numb to much of my own life. I had shut out the pain, and thus also shut out the joy.

Jacob has a wrestling match with a man. It seems to me he is dreaming a dream that portrays the struggle going on inside of him. He knows he has made mistakes, and he is wrestling with the knowledge that he could have done better and that he can be a different person. I started my own wrestling match with therapy sessions while I was still in college. I knew that something was not right. I was not living out my beliefs; I was not even sure what I believed. I had never really acknowledged or suffered through the traumas of my life: my mother’s cancer, my parent’s difficulties, my grandmother’s heavy and toxic presence in our lives (long story for another day). I had pushed all this aside, but now I slowly began to battle my demons.

Jacob is wounded. His thigh is injured. I am wounded. We are all wounded. I try not to spend much time around people who do not acknowledge this. It is exhausting to watch them find myriad ways to hold off reality.

Jacob becomes Yisrael—Wrestler with God.

I remember a day when I was about 30 years old and still struggling with myself. I walked into a forest. I ended up in a large, sloped area with two paths leading up to a summit. I sat at the bottom, and started talking to each path as though each were a parent. I cried, I yelled, I sat in silence. After a time, I remember finding that I was instead talking to God. I did not consider myself religious at that time. I learned that day that I could wrestle with God. When I read the story of Jacob a few years later, I was stunned, moved, changed.

Jacob goes to his brother with true remorse, and finds forgiveness and wholeness. Esau is ready to move on. Jacob seems a changed man from this point forward. He acts with strength and with purpose.

I hope to do the same in my time on this earth.